vv
rr you won't admitttyou love me
tt and so
rr how am i ever
tt to know
rr you always tell me
tt perhaps
( machine whirring )
( vacuum stops )
got here early.
right.
thought i'd tidy upa bit.
she was tidying upmy flat.
serious. Very.
yeah,a buttock-clenching moment.
excellent.
what?
well, was she bending overor something?
no. I clenchedmy own buttocks, patrick.
no offense, but that'sa pretty basic mistake.
no, i meani experienced fear.
i...Puckered.
you..."Puckered"?
yes! I-i-in a momentof consuming terror,
my...Rear iris closed.
what?
okay, imagine this,patrick.
some womanthat you know, right?
your mother, your sister,your girlfriend
is, even now,without any advance warning,
tidying up your flat!
yeah, probably.
no, no...Really tidying.
thoroughly.
under your bed.
back of that high shelfin your wardrobe.
among your video collection.
oh,..That iris.
new haircut?
yeah.
got a lot of big meetingscoming up, you know?
wanted the "hard man" look.
isn't ita bit, um...
what?
gay.
this is..Not a gay cut.
this is a "hard man" cut.
ppwhat came over you?I don't know.
vvi just suddenlyhad this impulse to tidy his flat.
it was scary.
maybe tidyingis true love.
no. Oral sex.
yeah,when you're still doing it
without preconditions.
you do oral sexwithout preconditions?
sure.Absolutely.
how do you get anything donearound the house?
you get a man in.
you know...
i think i've alwaysmisunderstood that phrase.
listen, i hopeyou don't mind...
i'm taping somethingon your vcr.
fine. No problem.
don't worry,i found a blank tape.
where?
what?
where did you lookfor the tape?
it was lying by the telly,on the floor.
right.
great.
oh, there was a tapein the machine,
but i thoughtyou'd probably want to keep it.
did you knowwhich tape?
i don't take notes,patrick.
i don't know which tapeis in the machine
at any given moment.
but did you knowif it was one of--
..Those tapes.
i couldn't remember.
i don't keepa self-abuse log.
well,neither do i.
what specificallydid you tell your hairdresser?
i said i wanteda "hard man."
you interferedwith a man's vcr?
you never knowwhat you're gonna find.
i found it.
well?
porn?
yes.
which one?
not...
..Inferno?
..Inferno.
oh, my god.No problem.
what?
as long asshe hasn't watched it.
you can't tell anythingfrom a title like..Inferno.
patrick, um...
..Inferno isn't the full title.
well, how bad can it be?
..Lesbian spank inferno?
the thing was, though,
i don't know if she's seenthe title on the label.
so, how am isupposed to play it?
does she now think i'm some kindof masturbating pervert?
you are.
we all are.
true.
so...
how are you?
fine. How are you?
great.
how are you?
you've already asked.
what?
you've just asked mehow i am, twice.
well...
i love you.
you see,i don't know
if he knowsif i've seen the tape.
he said he loved you?
it's what men do
when there's a gapin the conversation.
they hate silence.
it makes themfeel guilty.
pause for a second,
and they ask you,"what's wrong?"
two seconds, and they askif you've got your period.
three seconds,and they love you.
i went out with himfor five years.
he never saidhe loved me.
it's easy,if that's what you want.
you've just got toride the pause.
trust me,most marriage proposals
are the result ofa longer-than-average silence.
i can't believehe said he loved you.
you haven't even beengoing out for two months.
i can't believeyou said you loved her.
she wasn't even naked!
that's not the point!
i don't knowif she's seen the tape.
i still don't know.
and if she's seen it,what does she think?
you're worried she mightthink you're a lesbian?
oh, wouldn't thatbe great?
what?
being a lesbian.
all the advantagesof being a man
but with lessembarrassing genitals.
plus, every timeyou have sex,
there's four breasts!
two guest breasts...
and two you can take homeafterwards.
oh, it's bloody brilliant!
i like filmswith lesbians in them,
'cause it's nice to think
there are attractive womenwho can't find a boyfriend.
no, patrick.They're lesbians.
yeah, that's what i said.
you have the sexual politicsof a viking attack.
wait, you're sayingi can't convert lesbians.
i could convert lesbians.
i bet patrickcan pull lesbians.
thank you.
he'd confuse themwith his haircut.
so then what happened?
a few moreconversation gaps.
so i didthe girlie thing.
you know, we shouldhave a dinner party.
fine.
but not the usual crowd.
let's get somenew people in.
good idea.
so you'll both come,yeah?
course.Love to.
oh, yeah, do you guyswant to come for dinner?
absolutely.Sure.
nice.
five years i went outwith that man.
it's not that i want himback or anything,
it's just he never oncetold me he loved me.
he goes outwith this new woman,
and he's in love with herstraight away.
how does that look to people?
i'm sure there's been staring.
two points.
one--we agreed two months agoto end your therapy
as it was going nowhere,remember?
i thought thatwas an exercise
to help me copewith rejection.
no, that was rejection.
don't say that.
you can't just barge in hereanytime you feel like it
and talk about yourselffor 20 solid minutes.
i'm supposed to be talkingto mr. And mrs. Tyler
about their maritaldifficulties.
who?
i really thinkit would be best
if you look for treatmentelsewhere.
i've got thisdinner party to go to,
and they'll both be there.
i'm not sure i can copewithout help.
someone else's help.
oh, that's good,isn't it?
because, if you like animals--
this is evasion, jane.
i know about that.It's in all the manuals.
evasion, you say?That's interesting.
jane.
is this personal?
of course it isn't personal.
because if it isn't personal,then we can be friends.
i just need some friendly helpabout this dinner party.
this is, as usual,about your fear of rejection,
and, as usual,
you're attemptingto manipulate me
by emphasizingyour vulnerability.
it's what we callpassive-aggressive,
and it doesn't work on mebecause i'm a professional.
hi, steve.
this is my friend jill.
hi.
jane's brought someone.
i didn't sayto bring people.
did you?
well, you know jane.
why did shehave to bring a date?
it's a woman.
you mean,it's not a date?
well, jane swings both ways.I mean, it could be a date.
probably is.
both:playstation!
so, a lesbo couple, eh?
and it might be bestif you killed jeff.
ppless embarrassing all around.Yeah.
this is real life, jeff.
not your sordidlittle lesbian fantasy.
oh, and you better hideyour videos.
i-i-i'll just..G-get the drinks.
hi.
jane's in the loo.
right.
good.
so, you're jane's...Friend.
well, if "friend"is the right word.
oh, yes.
you realize i'm her--
oh, yes, yes, yes.
she's mentioned me, then.Interesting.
well--not you specifically.
but we--we assumedshe was seeing someone.
well, you would assume thatwith jane, wouldn't you?
she's very attractive.
must be a bit embarrassingfor you, being her ex.
obviously,we've talked about you.
obviously.
nothing bad,don't worry.
so, um...
how long have you two been...
having sessions?
are you all right?
fine, fine.Um...
that was blunt,but that's good.
blunt is good.
i tried to break it offwith her a while back,
but you know how it iswith jane.
oh, yes.
she comes once a week,
whether i want her toor not.
really?
she's unstoppable.
h-how does that work,exactly?
once a week,doesn't matter what i do.
that's quite unusual,isn't it?
did she dothe same thing with you
when you were going out?
not on a strictlyweekly basis, no.
i'm sorry,am i making you nervous?
no, no, no, no...
no.
because,sometimes what i do
makes people nervousin a social context--
particularly men.
well, speaking as a man,
i-i think you guyshave got the right idea.
you've--you've gotthe best of both worlds.
what do you mean?
well, you know.
no, i don't.
well, um...
you've got four breasts!
xxi'm sorry?!No, hang on--
this blouse isn'tparticularly flattering--
ppno! No!But i reallyhad nothing else.
i'm not sayingyou've got four at the moment,
just when you're...What?
you know...What?
y-y-you're excited.
vvyou think i developextra breastswhen i'm excited?
no, not so much develop.
acquire.
what, in the name of god,are you talking about?
sorry. Sorry.
i've been totally sidetracked
by the complete irrelevanceof your breasts.
uh, no, not that you haveirrelevant breasts.
i mean, you've only got two,that's for sure.
unless you weresome sort of cow.
oh, no. A very attractive cow.A prize-winning cow.
but you're not a cow.You're a person.
but i bet you'd bea prize-winning person
if they had a sort ofcattle market for women.
a women market...
which,thinking about it,
would be a bad thingin many ways.
hello, steve.How are you?
fine. Great.Absolutely.
ooh, could you remindlovely susan
that jill and iare vegetarian?
you're what?
you're nota vegetarian.
i'm bi-vegetarian.
what? That doesn't exist.It's not possible.
i'm an emotionalvegetarian, jill.
i know a lot of vegetarians,
and we tend to likethe same films.
do you have a problemwith that?
you can neverfinish your greens,
and you can suck a whole pigthrough a straw.
i'm not exclusivelyvegetarian, jill,
if that'swhat you're trying to say.
vegetarianism, for me,is about...
saying "yes" to things,
even meat.
no, it isn't.
look, um...
i'll--i'll just tell susanabout the...
vegetable thing.
..Ooh.
xxwe..Are beingmrs. Judgementalthis evening.
how did i let youtalk me into this?
i explained how we'refriends now, remember?
vividly.
they're vegetarians.Is that okay?
and they're fighting.
didn't thinkthey did that.
well, let's hopeit doesn't get out of hand.
we don't want itto develop
into a vegetarianspank inferno.
ah.
so you were discussingyour little habit
with your little pal,were you?
( whispers )thanks, jeff.
is something wrong?
apparently.
you always say "apparently"
when you're really angryabout something.
well,there's a useful clue.
is this about the tape?
you've known about the tapefor a week.
everyone's knownabout the tape.
apparently.
( doorbell rings )
i'll get that.
how does jeff knowingmake a difference?
let me put it this way--
i pride myselfon my cooking.
||sorry?So if you feel the need
to nip out for a sandwichin between courses,
i'd be obliged if youdidn't advertise the fact.
right. Okay.
does anybodyother than jeff know?
no, no, no.Absolutely not, no one.
jane's just arrived--
with a female girlfriend.
girlfriend?
better hide your videos.
oh, for christ's sake!
oh, thanks, patrick.Susan--
what did i do?
you just told susanyou know about the tape.
susan told youabout the tape?
thanks, sally!
susan?!
a vegetarian is someonewho does not eat meat,
you insane bitch.
i get enoughof that language
during our sessions.
jack: where are you going?At least talk to me.
susan.
i love you.
oh, for god's sake.
oh, thanks.
( mouths words )
baa!!!
baa!
( in sheep voice )mama.
baa!
aw...
baa.
if you like animals,you'll love lamb.
jane, stop pickingon your date.
date?
friend, sorry.Friend.
so, steve...
susan tells usyou've been using pornography.
"using pornography"?
what a strange expression,jane.
um, i enjoy erotica,if that's what you mean.
but then,doesn't everyone?
i certainly don't"use pornography,"
whatever that means.That makes me sound like...
some kind of--
wanker?
if you two need any helpwith any issues,
i've got a window coming upon a weekly basis.
if you can't stand the meat,
stay out of the kitchen.
patrick: not..Really qualified
to talk to them, though,are you?
not qualified?
yeah. Well, you know.The, uh--
man-woman thing.
i've got a wallfull of qualifications
about the man-woman thing.
yeah,academically qualified.
i'll show you the list,if you want.
no, thanks,not really my area.
oh...
oh, i see.
what?
no, sorry.
i should've realized.
realized what?
no, i--
i thought you werewith sally.
if you're so qualified,jill,
explain this one--
if a woman thinkssomething is a turn-on,
then it's erotica.
if a man does,then it's porn.
i think you havea somewhat blurred vision
of..Lesbian spank inferno, steve.
but then,i suppose you would.
it's an erotic film.
it's not even a film.
why do you assume that?
what makes you thinkthat it hasn't got a...
proper storyand everything?
well, it's kind of hard to tell,isn't it?
because you kind of tendto fast-forward
if anyone's dressed.
thank you, jeff.
sometimes i forget
and do thatwith proper films.
i can get througha lot of movies in an evening.
the point is,
..Lesbian spank inferno does not count as erotica.
yes, it does.
of course it does.
you've gotabout 15 lesbians.
it's porn.
well, i don't call it porn.
you called it pornin the pub.
get a new haircut,patrick.
will you stop going onabout my haircut?
what's wrong with it?I think it's lovely.
ppthank you.And it really suits you.
you're the only personwho does like it.
oh, i bet you knowlots of people who like it.
okay, okay--
what makes an erotic filmany different from porn?
a plot you can't summarizein diagrams.
yeah--for instance?
what film is erotic?
well, i found..The piano very erotic.
oh, come on...The..Piano?
all menhate that film.
well, i liked it.
holly hunter was nakedfor most of it.
she was nudein one scene.
depends how you watch it.
no, now, the thing isyou just assume,
without even watching it,
that..Lesbian spank inferno isn't a proper, grown-up film,
albeit...With some adult content.
no, i'll tell youwhat the thing is--
you assumei didn't watch it.
i love you.
prove it.
how?
tell everyone here,
in a reasonable amountof detail,
the story of....Lesbian spank inferno.
come on,tell us the moving tale
of the 15 spanking lesbians.
you know,i have never understood
the male obsessionwith lesbianism.
a whole area of sexwith nothing for them to do.
just answeredmy own question,
haven't i?
i think they liketo imagine
they can get in thereand convert them.
exactly.
i'm surprisedsomeone like you
would think thatgay people could be
so easily divertedfrom their sexuality.
conversion can happen,course it can.
you think so?
sure, it's just a matterof meeting the right person.
well, that'sa rather unusual view.
in fact--
it's just a matter of...
sitting next tothe right person at dinner.
well,that's very flattering.
you agree with me,then?
well, i don't knowif i agree with you, exactly,
but, um...But i thinkyou're very kind.
really?
anyway, i think stevewas gonna tell us all a story.
unless, of course,he's too embarrassed.
steve: okay, um...
..Lesbian spank inferno...
opens withfive lesbian filmmakers.
um, a collective,you might say,
who are havinga competition
to see who can makethe best lesbian film.
filmmakers?
yup.Independent filmmakers.
meaning?
meaning they're notthe kind of girls
who want to dealwith the studio bosses,
the focus groups,
all thatindustry schmoozing.
meaning they've got camerasin their bedrooms.
so neatly avoidingthe whole studio system.
very clever.
yes. So, duringthe opening act of the film,
they're meeting upto see each other's films
and see who didthe best one.
and i'm guessingwe see all the films.
exactly.
we see each film...
..Within a film,as the...
tension mounts.
do those filmshave plots, too?
w-w-well, no.
they're more sort of...
mood pieces.
expressionistic?
ttvery much so.At the top of their voices.
yes. Thank you, jeff.You can stop helping me now.
so, basically,um...
they watch the films,they pick a winner.
that's the movie.There you go.
and what doesthe winner get?
isn't she presentedwith a trophy, or something?
well, yeah, yeah.Um...
she gets a sort of trophy,yes.
trophy?
oh, that.
what kind of trophy?
three speeds.
yes, you can stop helping menow, jeff.
what about the spanking?
not a lot of spanking there,you know?
thank youfor bringing that up, patrick.
god knows it might haveslipped by unnoticed.
no problem.
so,the spanking then?
well, um...
as a spur to, uh,future excellence
amongst the lesbianfilm collective,
they decide thatthe loser,
the one who madethe worst film...
better havea bit of a spanking.
she must bea bit pissed off.
oddly enough,she suggests it.
she suggests it?
she's very dedicated.
oh, it's not much ofan inferno, though, is it?
one person?
it goes on a bit.
why is that, exactly?
very strict collective,is it?
well, she keeps saying...
"ooh. Don't stop."
why?
i think she feels quite badlyabout her film.
still not muchof an inferno, steve.
well, then the winner says,um...
"ooh, i want a spanking, too."
why?
two people.Still not much of an inferno.
well, then they all decide
that they wanta bit of a spanking.
yeah, but why?
sisterhood?
oh, god.
how could you possiblyenjoy a film like that?
oh, because it's gotnaked women in it!!!
look,i like naked women.
i'm a bloke.
i'm supposed to like them.We're born like that.
we like naked women as soonas we're pulled out of one.
halfway down the birth canal,we're already enjoying the view.
look,it is the four pillars
of the maleheterosexual psyche.
we like naked women,stockings, lesbians,
and sean connery bestas james bond,
because that is whatbeing a boy is,
and if you don't like it,darling, join a film collective.
i want to spendthe rest of my life
with the womanat the end of the table,
but that does not stop mewanting to see
several thousand morenaked bottoms before i die.
because that's whatbeing a bloke is.
when man invented firehe didn't say, "let's cook!"
he said, "great, now we can seenaked bottoms in the dark."
as soon as caxton inventedthe printing press,
we were using itto make pictures of--
hey--naked bottoms!
we've turned the internetinto an enormous
international databaseof naked bottoms.
so, you see,the story of male achievement
through the ages,
feeble though it may have been,
has been the story ofour struggle
to get a better lookat your bottoms.
frankly, girls,i'm not sure how insulted
you really ought to be.
go,you're the man!
the rest of your life?
what?
you want to spendthe rest of your life with me?
yeah.
is wednesdaygood for you?
tt if you can'trrmake your mind up
pp we'll never get started
pp and i don't wanna wind up
tt being parted
rr brokenhearted
pp so if you really love me
tt say yes
pp and please don't tell me
tt perhaps
rr perhaps, perhaps